Bad Morman by Heather Gay

I have given myself sometime to think on how the greatest season of any real housewife show has ended and I am ready to discuss Heather Gay.

I am celebrity obsessed and of a certain age in which I attached myself to the real housewife franchises and never plan to let go. I was there to watch Teresa Giudice flip her shit and the table, not flip on her husband and go to jail, and then flip over a new leaf by divorcing him and allowing him to be deported. How was that Trump relationship in the end Teresa, not beneficial? 

I loved the Real Housewives of Miami and then signed up for Peacock so I could get to the reboot.

I was the first to declare the white women on Dallas for being racist, and was not at all shocked when they decided not to renew, as they were trying to avoid valid criticisms on how they women addressed Hispanic and the Asian community on the show. I was sad though, especially since Ramona was a thing. 

I was also sad that Ramona did not get grilled on the couch for how being both the iceberg and the Titanic when it comes to her show’s demise. 

Basically, I am doing the equivalent of “I was there” by LCD Soundsystem, but with the real housewives.

And although I do not have tidbits to drop about my love for Potomac, Atlanta, Beverly Hills, or the international shows, I love them all for their own merits. Except for Orange County, those trashy bitches are lucky to still have a franchise. 

But SLC reigns supreme. Maybe because I have deigned them the SLC Cunts (in combo of indie film of yore SLC Punk). Maybe because the trauma drama that is Mary was overshadowed by the criminal mastermind that is Jen Shah. (The amount of times I have shared the photos of her in prison, on the yard, talking to Elizabeth Thanos, could best be matched up to the serial card trading scene in Addams Family Values, I am that obsessed.) Whatever the reason, these women are serving me the reality tv of my dreams. 

The only way they can make it better is to cut it with the crap in SLC and move to the prison. I believe that the producers know the events of the last season may be the high of the show. How can the keep milking Jen Shah drama without filming in the prison? What will the women do when they can no longer make a monster of Jen or Monica (other than to turn on each other and Mary)? Where do they go from here?

If Bad Morman is any indication, things are about to get boring and more obvious with the product placement. While a quick interesting look into her personality, I think the memoir is more damaging than it is reflective. Heather spends her time letting us in her world, but keeps the reader at a distance in the same manner that she does on screen. For every one step forward, she makes a comment that brings her several steps back.

While admitting her skills and interest in writing, as if to convince us that no ghost writer or help was needed in this book, she also cops to bad plagiarism in the story in which she brags about being published in the newspaper for a poem she stole from famous songs about America (an elementary school tale). Most of her chapter titles were taking from songs meant to set the tone that her “writing” should have done. And with the length of the book, that is a fair amount of not writing and allowing other’s words do the talking for her.

The lack of accountability in the decision making that lead her to her marriage was not unreasonable, being from a conservative and hindering religion I do not understand the intricacies in how she was silenced or stifled. My contestation is that she is at an age and intelligence that I believe if she pushed herself further, she would see some development and can take some insight into what she could have done better. This same attitude and shallowness to her book leads us to her business model of the patient is always right. At Beauty Lab, there is no one to tell if you have gone too far or the medical consequences of adjusting your self esteem with too many procedures, they are there to take your money.

She is so busy selling that she is writer, that she is happy with the ending or her marriage because it was wasted time, that she is happy for her daughter’s freedom while denying herself the same, that the customer is always right, that she is now on a reality show making things happen even when being called inbred looking by a cruel woman of “God”, that she knew the women before they were famous and respected them, so on and so on…That all I can see is a delusional housewife.

From the book and the judgements I have made for the show, the downfall of SLC is that they are all too narcissistic, they believe they are planning Game of Thrones and that their political mechanizations via snappily delivered lines and “well acted” scenes won’t be seen for what they are, and that their flexibility with the truth will only be shown via previous season flashbacks.

I am staying tuned in, and while I would like to think it is at their expense, let’s be real I keep buying into and they keep taking our money. I hope they enjoy the notoriety, they are more successful than I could ever imagine.