Where I have been or Where I am at
If you look at my posting history and time stamps, it has been a moment. I had grand plans of posting weekly on my blog, writing my own stories, posting daily on my social media.
My plans are made to be ignored for another show, another page, another moment with the family.
It has become harder for me to write with the consistency I once had. In part because I have more obligations. I think it is the sign of my life progressing (a nice way to say that I am not handling aging well). Everything (the words of my peers or those who have come before me) would indicate this is normal, but my love for words and reading has never been what I would describe as normal. I want to be extraordinary at something and I thought this was it.
Before this blog I attempted to get published.
I hold onto that year in which I was paid a dollar for a short story, and was paid nothing for the handful of others, because they were things that I wrote and that were read and that were seen outside of my imagination. I became scared it was too easy and that I was unable to see my own mediocrity or my thirst.
Then I became pregnant and that was a joy.
But before that my dad died, a cousin, a distant aunt and then my stepdad. My family had major medical scares across different generations.
And the election happened. And I feel stuck watching each swirling massive turd that has been in this endless flush. This is the biggest shit my generation has ever taken. And I cannot believe it.
What can I say, other than I am proud of those who are fighting against ICE, the current government, the dismantling of social services, the eroding of the rights that were barely given before being snatched away, and who had something to say about the current wars and genocides we are contributing to. Not that they need my approval, because I am also ashamed I haven’t been a better person in general, but worse is the feeling that I didn’t do enough. It is hard to get over my offensives, but I am finding that the regret of inaction has overtaken me.
I guess this post is my shitty version of a land acknowledgment: since I do not name names (or list examples of times I need to ask forgiveness on). I co-opt an important act for an oppressed group, while neglecting to give you a solid history or reference in which you can better understand what came before me and my intentions.
I want to do better, but for myself and because I need it and I am delusional to think the world needs it and I can be a voice of a generation (or at least no more harmful or pretentious than Lena Dunham).
No, I never finished Girls.